Comming down from the mountain... a cliff

Report- My first day back at the grindstone was pretty rough. I woke up late for work which I somehow expected. Life seemed to slow down and seem much more ugly than it did a day ago. Finding motivation was pretty hard, this all after a perfect day. I feel like I am having mountain top syndrome, like when you come down from such a great day everything seems bad.

I had work which I arrived late too, which was a bummer. At work I had none of the super positive attitude I did when I worked on Sunday. I had to keep being prodded by my manager to do anything. It seemed to drag on for quite sometime. I was happy to see everyone again though.

After work I got together with my old friend Mandy, I promised myself though to make it a good interaction though as some of our meetings last summer were negative. We just had a nice small dinner, and chatted about our various trips and life in general. It was refreshing to be with her again. She had been in Africa for the last half of a year and she had great stories. I was disappointed at myself for hanging out with her either way because I knew it could be risky given our history. However she seemed to be in much better shape than I and it stayed a positive thing, and in retrospect was the only good part of the day.

When I came home I just seemed to want to veg out all night. I did succeed in that task, though I still have plenty of things left to do. I played some smash, and then sat at my computer pretending to write, while I just poked around for various things. I did find one interesting subject though, an enclave of semi-pro smash brother players in Manchester. I spent some time trying to network and learn some things from them. That was nice, but I just felt very down, and bummed about my life. Like nothing had changed at all.

This again plays into my ideas about demonic attacks, though a friend of mine Lindsey who was curious as to what I was going through. She seemed to think it was just me coming down from having a great trip. I am also tempted to think this, but my mind cant shake the fear of being wrong. I think that is actually what I hate the most about my life, being wrong in what I believe. Sam and I discussed this on the car ride home. I find myself very discerning and slow to move, when I do its with all my heart, but I suppose that is why I am so reluctant. I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want to take risks. So I like in mediocrity.

No wonder I don't write as much as I'd like, and when I do its in a venue relatively guarded like this blog. Taking risks, it is in many ways what life is all about. I just seem to think so poorly of myself, and all the mistakes I have made in a guarded life, I can not bear to think about life with risks taken. I look around and all the proof is around me. I went to a local college, I have a nice generic degree in English, I have only lived with people I have known, and though my writing is risky, I know that I am really a nobody so my "failure" is of no consequence, even romantically I don't like to take risks.

I think it is time to change this. I am not sure how to do that, but it is something I'll have to keep on my mind and my heart.

Body- 7: I don't think I really did anything great or negative with my body. I ate alright and had a normal amount of cigarettes.

Emotion- 3: Eek! What a wreck today I was, I felt terrible in addition to just not thinking positive or thinking well of myself. I also found my heart wandering, which is something I don't want to think is good for me.

Mind- 3: Again totally unfocused, save a few moments, I seemed to be a zombie. When I had chances to do constructive things I had no discipline. I didn't even write a blog for the day as the date tells I had to do it the next afternoon.

Overall- 4.3: Just gotta get out of the tailspin, and keep on trucking.

Two long days, one discernable nap

My day[s] was a lot like this. Just as awesome too.

Report- Because so much happened on the Saturday on my departure from West Virginia and everything thereafter up until now I have amalgamated them into one entry. This is also because I really didn't sleep, so I can't figure out where one started and the other ended.

Saturday morning on the farm we started out with a long morning prayer session. I shared about how touched I was when people helped me along the way on my hike yesterday. Many people had teary comments, and occasionally serious toned monologues. I may have nodded off for a few of the more boring ones, but that it just the way things are after Good Friday I suppose. Everyone finished up and then went about some chores. Then came heartfelt goodbyes.

The UNH contingent I had been with, went to Granny B's for brunch, which was delicious. We commiserated and tried to hold off the long ride. Eventually we made it onto the road. I was very anxious all day and could not get any real good nap in. The ride was extended many hours by poor navigation and logistical planning for pit stops and drop off points.

I did have a great discussion with Kristen my old apartment mate from UNH and her husband Sam. We discussed health and its division between the spiritual and physical. This I eventually understood was my ever longing attempt to understand my own illness in light of my faith, something that is still more of less unreconciled. I however find my self after such a powerful Holy Week unable to be unfaithful, to a faithful God.

I find myself in light of the thoughts shared within that conversation, unable to figure exactly weather my illness is a spiritual affliction or just a medical one, even perhaps some combination. Indeed this is a perilous thought to even have, given my vulnerability to perhaps thinking my bipolar disorder could be "prayed" away. It makes me re-examine everything I have been going through since 2005. I think that did nothing to ease my anxiety either. I don't know what to think would be the best way to put it. I need to continue my discernment of what is wrong with me. I would prefer a holistic approach none the less, but it does put a new twist on my goals. I remember even the unbridaled hope Sam gave me when talking about this priest in Connecticut who specialized in healing. I guess this just expands what I need to do.

I know on my way home I had to pray a good number of decades of the Rosary to calm myself down. Its meditative properties are amazing, and I think though I am slow to start believing any one thing, that my prayers were answered in some manner. I think in retrospect with my leaving Nazareth Farm the one thing I reconnected with was how spiritual a person I really am. I have in a way put it on standby to try and figure everything else in my life. Yet since it is so integral to who I am I think I need to regard that aspect of my being too. There just seems like a lot to sift through and I am too tired to do it well enough.

The bottom line, my prayer life has been rekindled, and a perspective of spirituality is re-examined.

Sometime early in the AM of Easter Sunday I was driving home. I realized I'd just be going straight to work, which I remembered was at 4:30 AM. So I went straight there.

I did surprisingly well at work though. It was like my second wind lasted all during my shift. I did more than what was left on my to-do list at work. I was singing and humming to myself all the day too. During my shift my family dropped by to say hi and drop off some Easter breakfast food which did more to lighten my mood. It all went by so quick I was really surprised.

Liz had invited me to her family early Easter dinner at 2pm, which was right after my shift. Liz's dad offered me some traditional hard liquor drink of Lebanese people, which tasted a lot like licorice. After dinner and that drink I found myself napping on Liz's bed. Before I got any real rest, Liz woke me and reminded me that I had my own family's dinner to attend. So I took her and we feasted yet again. I did the grace, naturally.

The rest of my evening I spent with Liz who will be leaving tomorrow afternoon back to Maine. So I struggled to be awake for the rest of the evening and just spend some good time with her. It was good, though it left me little time to post all my journal entries from last week and this one as well.

Once again in the interest in getting sleep, I will conclude, and perhaps sprinkle more details in this entry if I get time later.

Body - 10: I don't know how I did it, but I managed a 48 hours cycle, while maintaining all my strength, not smoke or eat too much junk, or even energy drinks.

Emotion - 10: I was very well composed for all this time with my emotions. The time I spent with Liz was especially good given that I got to share a lot and be very frank with her about some of her issues. Also I was just elated all day because of how amazing Easter is, and all the symbolism of new life around me. I smiled and was pleasant, what else more evidence could I need.

Mind - 10: Perhaps the most deserving of this 10 is my mind. The focus, the consideration, the meditation through anxiety, well done planning, and even staying up to make sure I did my daily writing. I am astounded at what my mind is capable of when I am driven to serve people and be present.

Overall - 10: One note though, I am wary of the fact that the anxiety and ability to power through 48 hours is a little sketchy on the side of perhaps being manic. Knowing this I'll continue to monitor my actions and act accordingly. Now time to pass OUT!


My day[s] ends a lot like this. Just as awesome too.

The Nazareth Farm Journals

Here is a series of journal entries from chronologically the day after I first left all the way through my time there. Most of them you will need to click on to read more closely, and that is also if you can understand the handwriting. I will insert pictures as they flow in on Facebook, for now just my raw writing, enjoy.

Busy, Busy, but Happy

Holy Week is Nigh!

I apologize for posting this half a day late. I thought sleep would be better than staying up and writing. I also get distracted pretty easily when distracted. Also of note in this blog is the fact that I will be on a hiatus for the better part of a week. I am going to West Virginia as part of a college "Alternative Break Challenge." For the last four years I have gone on one of these with a church group in Durham where I used to attend college and I was invited back again.

My current plan for the blog is to journal on paper then scan it and post it or just type cast it. Either way I'll have lots of stories to tell. SO this will be the last post for some time.

Report- (3/13/08)

I woke up, and again was little late for work. I don't think my manager or anyone really cared. I kinda felt like filler for the store, and did a few stupid thing around the store. My only real project for my 9am-5pm shift was cleaning up trash that has mysteriously appeared now that a lot of snow has melted away.

For many hours I was outside thatching lawn and scooping up mostly dead grass, but also a lot of trash. I really got into the zone with it, and I did a great job. My manager later walked the property with me and was pretty happy with the result. I think it is very rewarding even at my job, to work hard and get some praise. To know that my work is appreciated, just makes me feel valued on some sense. Emotionally I am surprised at how much it matters to me. This need for emotional edification is something I am trying to understand better, in order to live a more holistic and healthy life style.

There were also many employees not just at my store, but under the same roof at the Dunkin' Donuts, that were curious to know how things went with Liz in Farmington. Everyone was very happy for my success, and it felt great to have some adulation around my life.

After work was my weekly Dungeons and Dragons session in Salem. It was great fun to be back there again, hanging out with the guys, laughing and being geeky. We ate nice pasta made by Scot, and ice cream sundaes prepared by Seth. I may perhaps later have a full in game journal of Unferth's adventures when I get a chance. However I have work soon, then packing. Tomorrow I have ballet, then work, then going straight to Durham to then go to West Virginia, so I can probably spend my time more wisely somewhere else.

I hope everyone has a blessed Holy Week, and an enjoyable Easter. I will also be trying to delve back into the depths of my spiritual life this next week. Wish me luck, or pray for my success, either way I need to phase God back into my life, now that I finally cleaned it up a little. Also good wishes for all the work I'll be doing and for the impoverished people I'll be visiting in West Virgina would be appreciated. I be writing again in over a week. Be well.

Body - 7: My body was sore from exercising with Liz, then driving and getting all cramped up. When it came time to work, my body hurt a lot, however it held up pretty well to the rigors of doing yard work at my job. I ate decently well, I had a flat bread at Dunkin' Donuts which I think was both delicious and healthy. My Salem dinner wasn't that bad, however the ice cream kinda killed all the healthier foods I had been eating all day.

Emotion - 8: Finally coming off the emotional high of the last few days, I can report a score lower than a ten. I was really exploring the reasons for needing emotional edification. I was emotionally honest, though I think in my happiness I had let my heart wander a little bit, and so I am also trying to reign it back in. Its kinda like its own entity sometimes. However because my heart was playing games with me, I had to report an eight instead of a ten.

Mind - 6: Well once again lack of focus, and fatigue kept getting the best of me. I am not sure how much I need to sleep to keep up with my mind's needs. I guess I can't always win, however I can be doing a lot better. I ever struggled at Dungeons and Dragons to keep attentive. However because I kept enough to get everything I need done, and still remember a schedule I will retain a six for a score.

Overall - 7


I have actually been to this bridge in West Virginia, and yes it does look this cool.

Milestone Accomplished, love all around

Yes moments today were this precious.

Report -

Well in my discovery of an emotional universe I have felt more unsettling things, but this is a welcomed unsettling feeling. Happiness, elation, jubilation, and a smile a mile wide, would all be ways to describe it. It starts in your chest and rises like a glad message all over your body. It is wonderful.

It should go without saying that I did get back together with my girlfriend. I think she was impressed with my improvements and showing of dedication to her. My blog yesterday was brief, but that was because I did not want to cheapen my time with her. Among other things, I showed her my plans to continue my mental health regimen, a wholly heartfelt attitude towards life including an emotional effort, and pushing investment in her life.

Though there are many things that made me happy today, the best highlight was when I convinced her to do something she needed to do for a while. Using my own example of going to get help and pursuing all mental health options, I helped to convince (maybe some coercion as well) her to make phone call to get some much needed therapy. This is not a place to talk about her issues, but I must say it was needed and seeing her make those calls made me overwhelmingly proud of her.

My day was slow and restful, I slept in and woke to have lunch. I made homemade egg salad, even hard boiling the eggs. I felt very accomplished doing this, and serving the wealth of egg-goodness to her and I. After we went for a brief walk and chatted. We then went back and had some good quality time to talk and be intimate. I usually miss her very much when she is not around. Where she goes to college is roughly three and a half hours away. We then had a quick early dinner and I drove back home.

Another swell thing was my drive home, I tried to draft a lot of tractor-trailers, to maximize mileage. When I got back to my home gas station, and my trip odometer read 355. When I filled up my tank I had only used 9.8 gallon of gas, that is roughly a 36 mile per gallon efficiency. I think that oil change helped immensely, and it made me glad to know I am getting a mileage that some hybrid cars rate themselves for highway mileage. My car it more than a decade old, I love you Cassie, and yes that is the name for my car.

I came home and did a few things, played a few video games, and now once again it is time for bed. I have a 9-5 shift tomorrow in Hudson, as well as the D&D Dolmach campaign. Who knows how long my next D&D journal entry for Unferth might be. I give kudos to anyone bold enough to read all of my last journal entry for Unferth.

Body - 9: I had some intense workouts I did with my girlfriend that tested my cardio and stamina. I did very well and am pleased with my body's performance. I also ate somewhat healthy for being a road warrior today. I missed a perfect score because I smoked a lot on the way back home.

Emotion - 10: Again I did so well today with my emotions. I expressed them well, and was almost to happy all day. When you are that lighthearted it is difficult to give myself and score but a 10. Getting back with my girlfriend, and being accountable for her also boosted the score.

Mind - 9: Was really safe on the way home, drove well to maximize mileage. I also made some calls to rearrange plans. I was on top of stuff, it was nice. I took away a point because I could have done something this morning than sleep, maybe something else when I was home than playing video games.

Overall - 9.3 (new record high)


I love you Cassie and though you may never look this shiny ever again, in my heart you are more lovely, and beautiful than any car I've ever loved.

Reconnect

I did make an oil spill, but it is considerably smaller than this one.

Report-

Today I woke up late, I think my body superseded the needs of my alarm clock. I was late to my counseling appointment. I still got there, a half an hour late though. The gentleman I dealt with was very gracious in receiving me and not making it such an issue that I was late. He seemed very nice and even posed a question I could not answer, "why do you not love yourself enough." He seems to work quickly, and not really pull punches. I'll probably like him.

After that it was errand after errand in preparation for my three hour drive up to Farmington Maine to see Liz. My biggest project was changing my oil. Now I could have waited about an hour and spent 30 dollars roughly to get it changed at any one of my various oil changing places. However I thought I'd rather take an hour and spend 15 dollars and just do it myself. It turned to be quite a project, I even had to jerry-rig some 2x4's to make my car rise up so I could get underneath and at the filter. Eventually the deed was done and I drove all the way to Farmington.

I didn't have any pit stops and made it in one shot. I made a stop in Farmington however to get Liz a dozen roses. When I arrived I think she liked them. I however felt all sorts of nervous around her. I'll try to not get too sappy. I did some of her dishes and took out her trash. Then I took Liz to a fancy dinner in town. We had great fun an conversation. We went back to the apartment and made some grape leaves together. She did most of the hard part but I helped roll them up. I smell them right now as I write this, and it is delicious.

Guess I'll get to the scores then.

Body - 7: Well it was a lazy day of mostly driving around and what not. However my body woke me up today, not my lame alarm clock. It also did very well at all of its tasks, and even surprised me when I was doing some hardcore stretching and cardio workout that kind of happened spur of the moment.

Emotion - 10: My emotional honesty, and sincerity really opened a lot of doors with Liz. I think she is keen on getting back with me because of it. She seemed very impressed, I however still just feel vulnerable constantly around her. I am trying to work through that, but none the less, I was very emotionally healthy.

Mind - 8: Well I didn't use it too much, however the 2x4 idea with the oil change was nifty. Also I am accounting for the fact I had enough drive and focus to go all the way to Farmington and not get sleepy improved my score. I felt pretty inspired with all th nice things I thought of to do for Liz too.

Overall - 8.3


Delicious... and I helped :-)

Work, Haircut... Kinda Boring

I wish my haircut was this cool.


Report -

Not much to say about today it was a pretty uneventful day. I went to work and once again made my egg salad sandwich. Apparently when my coworkers saw me putting mustard in it they were surprised. Turns out its more of a family thing. This would explain why I don't like a lot of other peoples egg salad except mine or my dads. I cleaned bathrooms today and work was slow, but I did a damn good job cleaning the bathrooms.

I think I enjoy cleaning when its not overwhelming. I used to do housekeeping back in the day. There is something about just scrubbing and making things look good that is very enjoyable. I remember the old saying my supervisor would tell me about housekeepers, "We clean rooms all day so we usually live in a pigsty" I like that explanation for my messiness and lack of cleanliness or at least the propensity to not want to organize my shit. I feel like I never accomplish anything. I hate to ruin my own masterpiece and I am the only one who enjoys it, why can't I share the miracle of clean rooms with anyone else. Alright I don't think i am going anywhere with this.

The rest of the day I did some planning for my trip up to Farmington tomorrow, including getting a haircut. When I came home I played some more Smash Brothers. Then later on at night I had a dungeons and dragons quest with my Monday group. It was pretty uneventful. We had to have it in a chat room rather than online with headsets. I am really looking forward to tomorrow because I have my first counseling appointment with a therapist type. He happens to be a pastoral counselor so that will likely be a great difference because of the spiritual aspect. It's at 8am so I should probably just get to the scores.

Body - 8: I was happy today because I ate very healthy today, no junk food. Breakfast was granola bars, then my sandwich, and for dinner stuffed shells. Really no complaints on the body side of things. Just excited to see myself eating well.

Emotion - 7: I did well today, I am staying on course and being smart. I had some good discussions about emotional things and had some small breakthroughs. I also did a good job empathizing with some other people. However my tiredness and focus on my tasks left me without much time to put the effort into thinking about emotions. I need to remember to keep time for considering them.

Mind - 7: Did well at my job and stayed on task. Did a lot of things I had planned to do. I gave myself a seven however for the things I wanted to get done today and have procrastinated to doing tomorrow. Tisk tisk!

Overall - 7.3


Deep inside we all want to be one of the people in this picture. Little do you know I want to be the good housekeeping wife. I get to clean ALL DAY!