My day[s] was a lot like this. Just as awesome too.
Report- Because so much happened on the Saturday on my departure from West Virginia and everything thereafter up until now I have amalgamated them into one entry. This is also because I really didn't sleep, so I can't figure out where one started and the other ended.
Saturday morning on the farm we started out with a long morning prayer session. I shared about how touched I was when people helped me along the way on my hike yesterday. Many people had teary comments, and occasionally serious toned monologues. I may have nodded off for a few of the more boring ones, but that it just the way things are after Good Friday I suppose. Everyone finished up and then went about some chores. Then came heartfelt goodbyes.
The UNH contingent I had been with, went to Granny B's for brunch, which was delicious. We commiserated and tried to hold off the long ride. Eventually we made it onto the road. I was very anxious all day and could not get any real good nap in. The ride was extended many hours by poor navigation and logistical planning for pit stops and drop off points.
I did have a great discussion with Kristen my old apartment mate from UNH and her husband Sam. We discussed health and its division between the spiritual and physical. This I eventually understood was my ever longing attempt to understand my own illness in light of my faith, something that is still more of less unreconciled. I however find my self after such a powerful Holy Week unable to be unfaithful, to a faithful God.
I find myself in light of the thoughts shared within that conversation, unable to figure exactly weather my illness is a spiritual affliction or just a medical one, even perhaps some combination. Indeed this is a perilous thought to even have, given my vulnerability to perhaps thinking my bipolar disorder could be "prayed" away. It makes me re-examine everything I have been going through since 2005. I think that did nothing to ease my anxiety either. I don't know what to think would be the best way to put it. I need to continue my discernment of what is wrong with me. I would prefer a holistic approach none the less, but it does put a new twist on my goals. I remember even the unbridaled hope Sam gave me when talking about this priest in Connecticut who specialized in healing. I guess this just expands what I need to do.
I know on my way home I had to pray a good number of decades of the Rosary to calm myself down. Its meditative properties are amazing, and I think though I am slow to start believing any one thing, that my prayers were answered in some manner. I think in retrospect with my leaving Nazareth Farm the one thing I reconnected with was how spiritual a person I really am. I have in a way put it on standby to try and figure everything else in my life. Yet since it is so integral to who I am I think I need to regard that aspect of my being too. There just seems like a lot to sift through and I am too tired to do it well enough.
The bottom line, my prayer life has been rekindled, and a perspective of spirituality is re-examined.
Sometime early in the AM of Easter Sunday I was driving home. I realized I'd just be going straight to work, which I remembered was at 4:30 AM. So I went straight there.
I did surprisingly well at work though. It was like my second wind lasted all during my shift. I did more than what was left on my to-do list at work. I was singing and humming to myself all the day too. During my shift my family dropped by to say hi and drop off some Easter breakfast food which did more to lighten my mood. It all went by so quick I was really surprised.
Liz had invited me to her family early Easter dinner at 2pm, which was right after my shift. Liz's dad offered me some traditional hard liquor drink of Lebanese people, which tasted a lot like licorice. After dinner and that drink I found myself napping on Liz's bed. Before I got any real rest, Liz woke me and reminded me that I had my own family's dinner to attend. So I took her and we feasted yet again. I did the grace, naturally.
The rest of my evening I spent with Liz who will be leaving tomorrow afternoon back to Maine. So I struggled to be awake for the rest of the evening and just spend some good time with her. It was good, though it left me little time to post all my journal entries from last week and this one as well.
Once again in the interest in getting sleep, I will conclude, and perhaps sprinkle more details in this entry if I get time later.
Body - 10: I don't know how I did it, but I managed a 48 hours cycle, while maintaining all my strength, not smoke or eat too much junk, or even energy drinks.
Emotion - 10: I was very well composed for all this time with my emotions. The time I spent with Liz was especially good given that I got to share a lot and be very frank with her about some of her issues. Also I was just elated all day because of how amazing Easter is, and all the symbolism of new life around me. I smiled and was pleasant, what else more evidence could I need.
Mind - 10: Perhaps the most deserving of this 10 is my mind. The focus, the consideration, the meditation through anxiety, well done planning, and even staying up to make sure I did my daily writing. I am astounded at what my mind is capable of when I am driven to serve people and be present.
Overall - 10: One note though, I am wary of the fact that the anxiety and ability to power through 48 hours is a little sketchy on the side of perhaps being manic. Knowing this I'll continue to monitor my actions and act accordingly. Now time to pass OUT!
My day[s] ends a lot like this. Just as awesome too.
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