Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Comming down from the mountain... a cliff



Report- My first day back at the grindstone was pretty rough. I woke up late for work which I somehow expected. Life seemed to slow down and seem much more ugly than it did a day ago. Finding motivation was pretty hard, this all after a perfect day. I feel like I am having mountain top syndrome, like when you come down from such a great day everything seems bad.

I had work which I arrived late too, which was a bummer. At work I had none of the super positive attitude I did when I worked on Sunday. I had to keep being prodded by my manager to do anything. It seemed to drag on for quite sometime. I was happy to see everyone again though.

After work I got together with my old friend Mandy, I promised myself though to make it a good interaction though as some of our meetings last summer were negative. We just had a nice small dinner, and chatted about our various trips and life in general. It was refreshing to be with her again. She had been in Africa for the last half of a year and she had great stories. I was disappointed at myself for hanging out with her either way because I knew it could be risky given our history. However she seemed to be in much better shape than I and it stayed a positive thing, and in retrospect was the only good part of the day.

When I came home I just seemed to want to veg out all night. I did succeed in that task, though I still have plenty of things left to do. I played some smash, and then sat at my computer pretending to write, while I just poked around for various things. I did find one interesting subject though, an enclave of semi-pro smash brother players in Manchester. I spent some time trying to network and learn some things from them. That was nice, but I just felt very down, and bummed about my life. Like nothing had changed at all.

This again plays into my ideas about demonic attacks, though a friend of mine Lindsey who was curious as to what I was going through. She seemed to think it was just me coming down from having a great trip. I am also tempted to think this, but my mind cant shake the fear of being wrong. I think that is actually what I hate the most about my life, being wrong in what I believe. Sam and I discussed this on the car ride home. I find myself very discerning and slow to move, when I do its with all my heart, but I suppose that is why I am so reluctant. I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want to take risks. So I like in mediocrity.

No wonder I don't write as much as I'd like, and when I do its in a venue relatively guarded like this blog. Taking risks, it is in many ways what life is all about. I just seem to think so poorly of myself, and all the mistakes I have made in a guarded life, I can not bear to think about life with risks taken. I look around and all the proof is around me. I went to a local college, I have a nice generic degree in English, I have only lived with people I have known, and though my writing is risky, I know that I am really a nobody so my "failure" is of no consequence, even romantically I don't like to take risks.

I think it is time to change this. I am not sure how to do that, but it is something I'll have to keep on my mind and my heart.

Body- 7: I don't think I really did anything great or negative with my body. I ate alright and had a normal amount of cigarettes.

Emotion- 3: Eek! What a wreck today I was, I felt terrible in addition to just not thinking positive or thinking well of myself. I also found my heart wandering, which is something I don't want to think is good for me.

Mind- 3: Again totally unfocused, save a few moments, I seemed to be a zombie. When I had chances to do constructive things I had no discipline. I didn't even write a blog for the day as the date tells I had to do it the next afternoon.

Overall- 4.3: Just gotta get out of the tailspin, and keep on trucking.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Two long days, one discernable nap


My day[s] was a lot like this. Just as awesome too.

Report- Because so much happened on the Saturday on my departure from West Virginia and everything thereafter up until now I have amalgamated them into one entry. This is also because I really didn't sleep, so I can't figure out where one started and the other ended.

Saturday morning on the farm we started out with a long morning prayer session. I shared about how touched I was when people helped me along the way on my hike yesterday. Many people had teary comments, and occasionally serious toned monologues. I may have nodded off for a few of the more boring ones, but that it just the way things are after Good Friday I suppose. Everyone finished up and then went about some chores. Then came heartfelt goodbyes.

The UNH contingent I had been with, went to Granny B's for brunch, which was delicious. We commiserated and tried to hold off the long ride. Eventually we made it onto the road. I was very anxious all day and could not get any real good nap in. The ride was extended many hours by poor navigation and logistical planning for pit stops and drop off points.

I did have a great discussion with Kristen my old apartment mate from UNH and her husband Sam. We discussed health and its division between the spiritual and physical. This I eventually understood was my ever longing attempt to understand my own illness in light of my faith, something that is still more of less unreconciled. I however find my self after such a powerful Holy Week unable to be unfaithful, to a faithful God.

I find myself in light of the thoughts shared within that conversation, unable to figure exactly weather my illness is a spiritual affliction or just a medical one, even perhaps some combination. Indeed this is a perilous thought to even have, given my vulnerability to perhaps thinking my bipolar disorder could be "prayed" away. It makes me re-examine everything I have been going through since 2005. I think that did nothing to ease my anxiety either. I don't know what to think would be the best way to put it. I need to continue my discernment of what is wrong with me. I would prefer a holistic approach none the less, but it does put a new twist on my goals. I remember even the unbridaled hope Sam gave me when talking about this priest in Connecticut who specialized in healing. I guess this just expands what I need to do.

I know on my way home I had to pray a good number of decades of the Rosary to calm myself down. Its meditative properties are amazing, and I think though I am slow to start believing any one thing, that my prayers were answered in some manner. I think in retrospect with my leaving Nazareth Farm the one thing I reconnected with was how spiritual a person I really am. I have in a way put it on standby to try and figure everything else in my life. Yet since it is so integral to who I am I think I need to regard that aspect of my being too. There just seems like a lot to sift through and I am too tired to do it well enough.

The bottom line, my prayer life has been rekindled, and a perspective of spirituality is re-examined.

Sometime early in the AM of Easter Sunday I was driving home. I realized I'd just be going straight to work, which I remembered was at 4:30 AM. So I went straight there.

I did surprisingly well at work though. It was like my second wind lasted all during my shift. I did more than what was left on my to-do list at work. I was singing and humming to myself all the day too. During my shift my family dropped by to say hi and drop off some Easter breakfast food which did more to lighten my mood. It all went by so quick I was really surprised.

Liz had invited me to her family early Easter dinner at 2pm, which was right after my shift. Liz's dad offered me some traditional hard liquor drink of Lebanese people, which tasted a lot like licorice. After dinner and that drink I found myself napping on Liz's bed. Before I got any real rest, Liz woke me and reminded me that I had my own family's dinner to attend. So I took her and we feasted yet again. I did the grace, naturally.

The rest of my evening I spent with Liz who will be leaving tomorrow afternoon back to Maine. So I struggled to be awake for the rest of the evening and just spend some good time with her. It was good, though it left me little time to post all my journal entries from last week and this one as well.

Once again in the interest in getting sleep, I will conclude, and perhaps sprinkle more details in this entry if I get time later.

Body - 10: I don't know how I did it, but I managed a 48 hours cycle, while maintaining all my strength, not smoke or eat too much junk, or even energy drinks.

Emotion - 10: I was very well composed for all this time with my emotions. The time I spent with Liz was especially good given that I got to share a lot and be very frank with her about some of her issues. Also I was just elated all day because of how amazing Easter is, and all the symbolism of new life around me. I smiled and was pleasant, what else more evidence could I need.

Mind - 10: Perhaps the most deserving of this 10 is my mind. The focus, the consideration, the meditation through anxiety, well done planning, and even staying up to make sure I did my daily writing. I am astounded at what my mind is capable of when I am driven to serve people and be present.

Overall - 10: One note though, I am wary of the fact that the anxiety and ability to power through 48 hours is a little sketchy on the side of perhaps being manic. Knowing this I'll continue to monitor my actions and act accordingly. Now time to pass OUT!


My day[s] ends a lot like this. Just as awesome too.

The Nazareth Farm Journals

Here is a series of journal entries from chronologically the day after I first left all the way through my time there. Most of them you will need to click on to read more closely, and that is also if you can understand the handwriting. I will insert pictures as they flow in on Facebook, for now just my raw writing, enjoy.














Friday, March 14, 2008

Busy, Busy, but Happy


Holy Week is Nigh!

I apologize for posting this half a day late. I thought sleep would be better than staying up and writing. I also get distracted pretty easily when distracted. Also of note in this blog is the fact that I will be on a hiatus for the better part of a week. I am going to West Virginia as part of a college "Alternative Break Challenge." For the last four years I have gone on one of these with a church group in Durham where I used to attend college and I was invited back again.

My current plan for the blog is to journal on paper then scan it and post it or just type cast it. Either way I'll have lots of stories to tell. SO this will be the last post for some time.

Report- (3/13/08)

I woke up, and again was little late for work. I don't think my manager or anyone really cared. I kinda felt like filler for the store, and did a few stupid thing around the store. My only real project for my 9am-5pm shift was cleaning up trash that has mysteriously appeared now that a lot of snow has melted away.

For many hours I was outside thatching lawn and scooping up mostly dead grass, but also a lot of trash. I really got into the zone with it, and I did a great job. My manager later walked the property with me and was pretty happy with the result. I think it is very rewarding even at my job, to work hard and get some praise. To know that my work is appreciated, just makes me feel valued on some sense. Emotionally I am surprised at how much it matters to me. This need for emotional edification is something I am trying to understand better, in order to live a more holistic and healthy life style.

There were also many employees not just at my store, but under the same roof at the Dunkin' Donuts, that were curious to know how things went with Liz in Farmington. Everyone was very happy for my success, and it felt great to have some adulation around my life.

After work was my weekly Dungeons and Dragons session in Salem. It was great fun to be back there again, hanging out with the guys, laughing and being geeky. We ate nice pasta made by Scot, and ice cream sundaes prepared by Seth. I may perhaps later have a full in game journal of Unferth's adventures when I get a chance. However I have work soon, then packing. Tomorrow I have ballet, then work, then going straight to Durham to then go to West Virginia, so I can probably spend my time more wisely somewhere else.

I hope everyone has a blessed Holy Week, and an enjoyable Easter. I will also be trying to delve back into the depths of my spiritual life this next week. Wish me luck, or pray for my success, either way I need to phase God back into my life, now that I finally cleaned it up a little. Also good wishes for all the work I'll be doing and for the impoverished people I'll be visiting in West Virgina would be appreciated. I be writing again in over a week. Be well.

Body - 7: My body was sore from exercising with Liz, then driving and getting all cramped up. When it came time to work, my body hurt a lot, however it held up pretty well to the rigors of doing yard work at my job. I ate decently well, I had a flat bread at Dunkin' Donuts which I think was both delicious and healthy. My Salem dinner wasn't that bad, however the ice cream kinda killed all the healthier foods I had been eating all day.

Emotion - 8: Finally coming off the emotional high of the last few days, I can report a score lower than a ten. I was really exploring the reasons for needing emotional edification. I was emotionally honest, though I think in my happiness I had let my heart wander a little bit, and so I am also trying to reign it back in. Its kinda like its own entity sometimes. However because my heart was playing games with me, I had to report an eight instead of a ten.

Mind - 6: Well once again lack of focus, and fatigue kept getting the best of me. I am not sure how much I need to sleep to keep up with my mind's needs. I guess I can't always win, however I can be doing a lot better. I ever struggled at Dungeons and Dragons to keep attentive. However because I kept enough to get everything I need done, and still remember a schedule I will retain a six for a score.

Overall - 7


I have actually been to this bridge in West Virginia, and yes it does look this cool.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Milestone Accomplished, love all around


Yes moments today were this precious.

Report -

Well in my discovery of an emotional universe I have felt more unsettling things, but this is a welcomed unsettling feeling. Happiness, elation, jubilation, and a smile a mile wide, would all be ways to describe it. It starts in your chest and rises like a glad message all over your body. It is wonderful.

It should go without saying that I did get back together with my girlfriend. I think she was impressed with my improvements and showing of dedication to her. My blog yesterday was brief, but that was because I did not want to cheapen my time with her. Among other things, I showed her my plans to continue my mental health regimen, a wholly heartfelt attitude towards life including an emotional effort, and pushing investment in her life.

Though there are many things that made me happy today, the best highlight was when I convinced her to do something she needed to do for a while. Using my own example of going to get help and pursuing all mental health options, I helped to convince (maybe some coercion as well) her to make phone call to get some much needed therapy. This is not a place to talk about her issues, but I must say it was needed and seeing her make those calls made me overwhelmingly proud of her.

My day was slow and restful, I slept in and woke to have lunch. I made homemade egg salad, even hard boiling the eggs. I felt very accomplished doing this, and serving the wealth of egg-goodness to her and I. After we went for a brief walk and chatted. We then went back and had some good quality time to talk and be intimate. I usually miss her very much when she is not around. Where she goes to college is roughly three and a half hours away. We then had a quick early dinner and I drove back home.

Another swell thing was my drive home, I tried to draft a lot of tractor-trailers, to maximize mileage. When I got back to my home gas station, and my trip odometer read 355. When I filled up my tank I had only used 9.8 gallon of gas, that is roughly a 36 mile per gallon efficiency. I think that oil change helped immensely, and it made me glad to know I am getting a mileage that some hybrid cars rate themselves for highway mileage. My car it more than a decade old, I love you Cassie, and yes that is the name for my car.

I came home and did a few things, played a few video games, and now once again it is time for bed. I have a 9-5 shift tomorrow in Hudson, as well as the D&D Dolmach campaign. Who knows how long my next D&D journal entry for Unferth might be. I give kudos to anyone bold enough to read all of my last journal entry for Unferth.

Body - 9: I had some intense workouts I did with my girlfriend that tested my cardio and stamina. I did very well and am pleased with my body's performance. I also ate somewhat healthy for being a road warrior today. I missed a perfect score because I smoked a lot on the way back home.

Emotion - 10: Again I did so well today with my emotions. I expressed them well, and was almost to happy all day. When you are that lighthearted it is difficult to give myself and score but a 10. Getting back with my girlfriend, and being accountable for her also boosted the score.

Mind - 9: Was really safe on the way home, drove well to maximize mileage. I also made some calls to rearrange plans. I was on top of stuff, it was nice. I took away a point because I could have done something this morning than sleep, maybe something else when I was home than playing video games.

Overall - 9.3 (new record high)


I love you Cassie and though you may never look this shiny ever again, in my heart you are more lovely, and beautiful than any car I've ever loved.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Reconnect


I did make an oil spill, but it is considerably smaller than this one.

Report-

Today I woke up late, I think my body superseded the needs of my alarm clock. I was late to my counseling appointment. I still got there, a half an hour late though. The gentleman I dealt with was very gracious in receiving me and not making it such an issue that I was late. He seemed very nice and even posed a question I could not answer, "why do you not love yourself enough." He seems to work quickly, and not really pull punches. I'll probably like him.

After that it was errand after errand in preparation for my three hour drive up to Farmington Maine to see Liz. My biggest project was changing my oil. Now I could have waited about an hour and spent 30 dollars roughly to get it changed at any one of my various oil changing places. However I thought I'd rather take an hour and spend 15 dollars and just do it myself. It turned to be quite a project, I even had to jerry-rig some 2x4's to make my car rise up so I could get underneath and at the filter. Eventually the deed was done and I drove all the way to Farmington.

I didn't have any pit stops and made it in one shot. I made a stop in Farmington however to get Liz a dozen roses. When I arrived I think she liked them. I however felt all sorts of nervous around her. I'll try to not get too sappy. I did some of her dishes and took out her trash. Then I took Liz to a fancy dinner in town. We had great fun an conversation. We went back to the apartment and made some grape leaves together. She did most of the hard part but I helped roll them up. I smell them right now as I write this, and it is delicious.

Guess I'll get to the scores then.

Body - 7: Well it was a lazy day of mostly driving around and what not. However my body woke me up today, not my lame alarm clock. It also did very well at all of its tasks, and even surprised me when I was doing some hardcore stretching and cardio workout that kind of happened spur of the moment.

Emotion - 10: My emotional honesty, and sincerity really opened a lot of doors with Liz. I think she is keen on getting back with me because of it. She seemed very impressed, I however still just feel vulnerable constantly around her. I am trying to work through that, but none the less, I was very emotionally healthy.

Mind - 8: Well I didn't use it too much, however the 2x4 idea with the oil change was nifty. Also I am accounting for the fact I had enough drive and focus to go all the way to Farmington and not get sleepy improved my score. I felt pretty inspired with all th nice things I thought of to do for Liz too.

Overall - 8.3


Delicious... and I helped :-)

Monday, March 10, 2008

Work, Haircut... Kinda Boring


I wish my haircut was this cool.


Report -

Not much to say about today it was a pretty uneventful day. I went to work and once again made my egg salad sandwich. Apparently when my coworkers saw me putting mustard in it they were surprised. Turns out its more of a family thing. This would explain why I don't like a lot of other peoples egg salad except mine or my dads. I cleaned bathrooms today and work was slow, but I did a damn good job cleaning the bathrooms.

I think I enjoy cleaning when its not overwhelming. I used to do housekeeping back in the day. There is something about just scrubbing and making things look good that is very enjoyable. I remember the old saying my supervisor would tell me about housekeepers, "We clean rooms all day so we usually live in a pigsty" I like that explanation for my messiness and lack of cleanliness or at least the propensity to not want to organize my shit. I feel like I never accomplish anything. I hate to ruin my own masterpiece and I am the only one who enjoys it, why can't I share the miracle of clean rooms with anyone else. Alright I don't think i am going anywhere with this.

The rest of the day I did some planning for my trip up to Farmington tomorrow, including getting a haircut. When I came home I played some more Smash Brothers. Then later on at night I had a dungeons and dragons quest with my Monday group. It was pretty uneventful. We had to have it in a chat room rather than online with headsets. I am really looking forward to tomorrow because I have my first counseling appointment with a therapist type. He happens to be a pastoral counselor so that will likely be a great difference because of the spiritual aspect. It's at 8am so I should probably just get to the scores.

Body - 8: I was happy today because I ate very healthy today, no junk food. Breakfast was granola bars, then my sandwich, and for dinner stuffed shells. Really no complaints on the body side of things. Just excited to see myself eating well.

Emotion - 7: I did well today, I am staying on course and being smart. I had some good discussions about emotional things and had some small breakthroughs. I also did a good job empathizing with some other people. However my tiredness and focus on my tasks left me without much time to put the effort into thinking about emotions. I need to remember to keep time for considering them.

Mind - 7: Did well at my job and stayed on task. Did a lot of things I had planned to do. I gave myself a seven however for the things I wanted to get done today and have procrastinated to doing tomorrow. Tisk tisk!

Overall - 7.3


Deep inside we all want to be one of the people in this picture. Little do you know I want to be the good housekeeping wife. I get to clean ALL DAY!

Sunday, March 9, 2008

The Day I've Waited for


Glory!

Report-

It is rare that I forget a day like today, but between a mixture of work, relational and metal issues, the big day today was somehow concealed from me. It was when I collating news papers for the store I was opening for that I saw the advertisements for it. I rarely get excited about consumer events, and yet today I had looked forward to since 2006 if you can believe that.

It was the launch date (pushed back too many times to remember) of Super Smash Brothers: Brawl, the third in a series of video games I have lifted to a near worship of. It is a simplistic game play, where you don the avatar of some icon of Nintendo, from Mario to Link, to even many more obscure characters like Pit, and Mr. Game and Watch. In a traditional fighting game you try to reduce the opponent to zero health by hitting them. What separated smash was that you are trying to send the opponent out of the arena, often a floating platform. Its easy to use button layout and elementary design made it easy to pick up and hard to put down.

I have logged many hours since the first one came out, and often watch YouTube videos of professional gamers duking it out. It is one of two video games fully supported by the Professional Gamers Association, the other series is Halo, also rife with fans and devotion of it own. It is also nice because it is a very social game, the best way to play is with two to four players, and watch the havoc unfold as you all grip to stay on the platform while trying to knock each other out.

For this reason and my own personal interest I thought it would be good to get the game, as social gaming was one of my original goals. I like gaming and its a part of me but I don't want it to make me anti-social or a recluse as some one player games often do. So after work I rushed around town and sought the grail of my gaming life, a fresh copy of my favorite series of games. I played all day with my brother Eben. From 2 - 10 pm, with many intermittent breaks to do other things, not just eat and go to the bathroom. It was a great day, though I probably could have used more of it to take a nap. So thought I am still tired I felt like I had a nice day with my brother enjoying one another and something we'd both been looking forward to for quite some time.

Body - 4: Fatigue had set in, though I didn't chain smoke or eat bad food all day, I didn't really move a lot, and even at work I was sluggish and tired. My body needs rest to get a better score I think.

Emotion - 7: Pretty emotional day, with all the excitement, and nothing really looming on the horizon, I think I did well today. In my interactions I was smart, honest and not in any bad way.

Mind - 5: The mind here is following the bodies example, fatigue certainly slowed down my thoughts, the only reason it got a better score was for still having the drive to do other things, like write here, and also giving me the old reflexes I needed to be better than my brother at smash.

Overall - 5.3


Let the Brawl begin :-)

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Recharge Time


As cute as this is, I felt this way today

Report -

Last night went rougher than I originally thought. I was still upset about the person I was worried about, and it took hours to sleep. When it did come it was nice, and I woke up on time to go to ballet class.

Ballet was wonderful, except I had trouble focusing most of the day. By myself I danced well, I even managed a double pirouette. When it came time to partner and do pre-taught steps I struggled. I could not scrape together the wherewithal to remember most of them and lifted poorly. I think it was a mixture of still wondering about the person from last night.

Afterwards I had healthy lunch... I made myself a sandwich. A small step for many, but a big leap in RJ cuisine. Eventually I was able to talk in length with the person I was worried about and just emotionally let it all out. That felt good, and I think she feels better now too.

Admittedly after that I was physically, mentally and emotionally fatigued. It was also raining all day. So I spent the day indoors. I basically played video games all day. Maybe not very healthy, but I needed to recharge today. That may sound like an excuse, and maybe it is. However I don't feel like I got nothing done. Resting is an important part of human health. I needed it, there was nothing much I could be doing on a Saturday, so I spent it inside, with my thoughts, and my peace.

Speaking of rest I have work early tomorrow, 4:30 in the am so I am going to head to bed before I regret going on for too long. Sleep, I love sleep.

Physical - 6: The body did well early on at ballet, but being sedentary all day was maybe not the best thing. Really I don't feel it warrants any great or poor score, little above average will do fine, considering it was rainy, and I was tired.

Emotional - 8: I kept my cool, and did nothing stupid emotionally. I am happy with that result, and I got to share more with a certain someone. Though I felt mostly drained, it was not a detached sort of drained, and so that is good enough for me. I took off a few points for knowing that doing not much all day is not too good for emotional health.

Mind - 3: Seriously my brain was running on fumes all day. I wrote nothing, had little drive, and barely kept it coherent in class. The fact that it was at least stable and functioned when necessary rose it above a one. Yes time for the most important part of a brain's day, sleep time.

Overall - 5.6


Man that baby gets a bed made of hands... lucky.

Friday, March 7, 2008

More than Sorry


The Man ~ Ben Harper

Report -

It was a very basic day. I worked from 5am to 1pm at a Manchester Mobil on The Run location. Basically all I did was put away a big order of stock, with the occasional checking out a customer during a break or two. The day passed quickly. I wanted to write.

Admittedly that was all I did, aside from a brief luncheon with my old high school friend Charlaine, I wrote, and wrote and wrote. I even asked my sister for some of her secret stash of mountain dew to keep going. I wrote yesterday's blog, then wrote way too much for a blog I was planning for a report on my D&D quest the night prior. Writing has been one of my goals and I think I nailed it to a tee today.

Of course the wonderful world of RJ is not without some drama. I, while taking breaks from writing, scoured the web for the perfect song to give to a certain someone I had neglected. I found that in a Ben Harper song called "More than Sorry," if it wasn't against many copyright codes, I'd post the song in all its wonderful melodies. Instead I just managed to get the lyrics.

"Goodbye
Hasn't been so good to me
Stepped out into the night
Back against the moon
I saw ten thousand hands with candlelight
We all think that we're right
It's hard to tell
If the night is full of hope or doom

My eyes
Burn with unshed tears
My body is weak
From so many silent years
Too many people say goodbye
Before they say hello
Step into the morning
And disappear

What more than sorry can i say
What more than sorry can i be
Before our love fades away
What more than sorry
Do you want from me"

It isn't nearly as whiny as the end verse makes it seem. Ben Harper's voice, and this is why I'd rather post the real song, makes the pain and desperation of this song come through clear. It is a, I can do nothing but go from here, type of desperation voice. Clearly and the lyrics also suggest this, that the writer is indeed guilty of something, and yet feels unbounded remorse. I felt a deep connection with this song, it very accurately displays in vivid sound my emotion towards the person I have remorse towards. I myself have really gone beyond the point of just saying sorry, it is the sound of the voice and timbre of the music that really says the message. All to often I find English lacking in the real quality of linguistic understanding. Music is often that alternative we turn to to express or understand something about humanity that can only be put into sound, such gorgeous sound.

After writing and whatnot, the same person I was planning on sending this song seemed in bad shape, and it upset me greatly. Being emotionally connected with someone really is a risk, and I am beginning to understand a more robust feeling of emotional pain. At times I even felt like Mr. Harper's song was more a song for me, to console my foolish love of someone. I suppose that is the nature of love and emotions. Never understood fully, but powerful and profound. It is something I ponder as I continue on towards my goals.

After some more emotional venting to various people, and being able to somewhat talk to that person, I felt better, and in a good enough shape to actually write this without getting to drippy, and have cohesive sentences. In any regard a rather slow day is now coming to a close, and I need to sleep before ballet tomorrow. So I'll just get to my scores.

Body - 7: Ate decently, and felt good during work enough to carry big boxes. Held up to the rigors of writing for hours upon hours. Lost points because when I got upset I started chain smoking, damn nicotine addiction. Have to work on that soon.

Mind - 10: Hands down, amazingly well done, focus, stability, organization, and the writing marathon, all culminated into a flawless mental day. I can not wait to have another day like this. I think I have been holding in a lot of writing tension and it all came out today.

Emotion - 7: Much like the body, functioned well, but things changed when faced with adversity. I would have given myself a much lower score had I not vented and talked to people honestly. I think this storm of being upset will move onto tomorrow.

Overall - 8


Storms a bruin... we'll see how this ends tomorrow

Dolmach Campaign Report - 3/7/ 08 "Diaspora"

(explanation will follow)

Journal of Unferth Herbeald during the early part of the 2nd Ten day of Eleasis

"Diaspora"

Returning from a failed attempt into tracking down the whereabouts of an underground slavery ring our group returned to Ashabbenford. Our curious guide, the master elf Ardin was slain a few moons prior, and we carried him back into town. I believe that Delano, and Schelen, despite their misgivings towards the skilled scout, believed that his heart is in the right place, and wanted to see if the skilled healing hands of the Tryian clerics could (or would be willing to) bring his soul back to his body.

The loss of another companion was rough on me. I often ponder the damage done by seeing those fall in their struggle to do what is right, and fight for it. However truly this is this the inherent tension and mystery around all great stories; from which all that is hidden is revealed and even the most nebulous motives understood. I digress.

Once our group had nearly lost the arcane prowess of Mantethil. It was quite an effort getting him to have his soul returned to his earthly shell, and not cheap either. It took a good deal of wheeling and dealing to get a diamond of enough worth to perform the ceremony, in the small town of Dolmach. However the elf was not without friends in the woods beyond the mountains near Ashabbenford. We met with a few "protectors" of the woods there, elven comrades of Ardin, who were greatly saddened to see the fall of a skilled one of their kin.

I place "protectors" in quotations because my compatriot Schelen was most disturbed with the behavior and demeanor of the elves we met. I smiled as he and a few of the aforementioned elves exchanged ... pleasantries shall we say, about who truly belonged to the wood, and was really looking out for its health. Though since I have been traveling with master druid Schelen, I have been more keen to listen to his wisdom, their gift of a small diamond ended being ever so helpful in restoring Ardin.

I hung onto the pricey bauble, in both hope and admiration. I retired for a little from the road at the tavern with Mantethil, Orrud, and the taciturn Camila. While I sipped on a glass of the stale ale from the day's tap, I heard the deep growling and grumblings of master dwarf Orrud. Apparently the person he was out to seek vengeance against had surfaced nearby. He, as far as I could recollect, was wandering the land looking for a common nemesis, a dwarf named Rolf. The hinting of darker things have admittedly caused me to place aside my vendetta against Rolf, to really get after the real string of darker deeds, the names of which I will not place here for fear it may fall into the wrong hands.

Though this is not to say that Orrud is in someway misplacing his wrath. I have read many a great epic tale of the stout people of the mountain. Their allegiance to their clan, is unwavering as the mountains they live under. No doubt those dark crevasses and dangerous creatures of the land under do not allow much room for shifting allegiance and loyalties, it must be a matter of survival not just passing preference. Seeing the drive in Orrud's eyes certainly has instilled in me a reminder to be trustworthy to those you trust with your life.

Or course the peculiar halfling Camilla, admittedly the brighter of the pair went with Orrud, as they have been traveling together since our group met up with them. With not much more than a brief farewell to Orrud and a reverent bow to Camilla (which is indeed hard for one who stands a little above your waist to register as a bow) left onto the road and towards their destination. I know Orrud had planned to use a mount, though now thinking twice about it I hope he can ride a horse. Even if he does, it must be a peculiar site, a Dwarf on a horse with a halfing pacing beside, keeping speed with the mount.

After the hurried exit, Mantethil and I recognized two people we once beheld back in Peldan's Helm, two guardsmen who were watchers of the gate there, Sebastian, and his half-giant freind. Apparently there has been some stirrings of war in the Kingdom of Cormyr. Sebastian had traveled some days here to see if he could aquired some of the riders in Ashabba. I directed him to the trusted leader of the guard Marcus. Shortly thereafter Delano and Schelen came back with news on the hope for Ardin. Apparently the clerics of Try saw it fit to wake Ardin from the throws of the great sleep we all must face sooner or later. Delano advised me to bring them the diamond, though I knew the diamond to be not large enough to make the required amount of dust for the ritual any thing we could do to get the ball rolling would be well done indeed.

I received good news from the clerics there, they said that the ritual could be performed, but that our group would be in debt. I began to reach for my sack to see what valuables we had that might help, when the cleric gave me the same stern look that I have oft seen from Delano. I blushed. Those of Tyr speak of debts not in monetary value, but of debts in virtue and service to Tyr. The "payment" they requested was to track, find, and return an acquaintance of Mantethil and myself. He was another initiate into the false temple Mystra, along with myself, Mantethil, and Bronstar the local wheelwright, a certain Thendrik.

Thendrik when I last saw him made a hasty escape from what turned out to be a temple of Shar. Knowing from what I could tell from the panic in his eyes, he was a desparate man, who was escaping more than the torments of Shar. It was not until the cleric's briefing I understood fully that Thendrik was also in "debt" to Tyr. Unfortunately he could not claim poverty and slip away, Tyr demanded his service, much as they now demanded mine. It has been nearly seven days since we last seen Thendrik and my heart filled with desperation for the hope of restoring Ardin. Schelen though ever confident in his prowess in the outdoors thought there was a chance we could find him.

Before turning in for the day though there was a considerable amount of coin retrieved from a slaver way point our group had raided a few days back. Our whole group wanted to give some of the money towards getting Bronstar and his wheelwright shop back on its feet. Two houses were burned little over a ten-day ago by despicable Drow attacks on the town. Though most of the strength of the Drow in the area had been dispatched by our group, the scar they left on the town still remained. What better way to invest the money than to try and heal the scars? So we visited the construction that had started presumably with our original investment of 65 coin. We managed to give the wheelwright's cause another 100 coin, though the surprisingly generous Mantethil wanted to give more.

After counting money and wishing Bronstar the best, I had a moment. Like frozen in time, I saw the sweat of the workers beading on their brow. The air was full of the aroma of freshly planed lumber, and thick with the light of hope. The sequence was something I had recognized in a story, a poem that spoke of the deeds in the Year of the Gem Dragons, when Illusk was largely rebuilt and construction began on its defensive walls. Soon trade from the mines of Mirabar would bring great prosperity to both Illusk and Stornanter nearby. I could see how the efforts to rebuild brought joy to more than those who were hurt, and the scars were forgotten with the jubilation of a new hope. The story and the reality were the same, and I asked Bronstar if I could tell that story to the construction crew. My speech was impeccable, and powerful, I could see the smiles on men faces and there able hands working together, like in the vast imaginations of the story of Illusk. This moment stuck with me.

After bidding adeiu to Bronstar our group seemed to be back on the road like we had barely stopped, off to the area North of the defunct Shar Temple, to pick up the trail of the fugitive Thendrik.

Like the ale I was sipping was never there I found myself not reciting stories, rather being part of them, weaving them like an old woman at a loom. I have often thought about and pondered this paradox. I tell stories all the time, to inspire, to encourage, and entertain others. Yet my life seems to inexorably pull me toward what the divine Lord Oghma would call "being the story you tell." Like when I recited poetry to the construction crew, I saw the connection. I think I am beginning to understand this mystery, my poetry and my life are linked. They in some way pull and strain from the same thread of fate. I am hoping to use this idea as a greater ethos in my poetry, perhaps some more inspiration and favor can be pulled from them. Perhaps my words can be as potent as Delano's sword, its a tall order, but I always enjoy a challenge.

Days Later

"Discovery and Treachery"

During our search, the four of us had all decided after Schelen ardently looked for a trail that the only place Thendrik could go was north to Shadowdale. He was a farmer, not the adventuring type, and was most likely desperately searching for a friendly home stead somewhere north where there were more farms, since to the south was Ashabbenford where he was more or less a wanted man. The first evening after our search north the keen eyes of Schelen had spotted the flicker of a campfire.

I volunteered to climb a tree to get a better look. I swear now a days the trees are getting harder and harder to climb, must be an old growth forest with more dead limbs, but never the less after some struggle I did top a tree to see that not but nearly an hour away was a campfire. We decided to find out who could be on the road to Shadowdale with us. With any luck we'd find out man.

Luck was with us. After a few somewhat slick moves, Mantithel revealed that a cloaked man sitting near a fire with two merchants was Thendrik. After our regular mix of Delano's near threats, and me trying to smooth out the rough edges of Delano's sermon's about order and law we convince Thendrik to not flee and freely come with us. He seemed to change his mind when I simply asked him, "How do you want to return to Ashabbenford, tied and bent over the back of Delano's mount like a crook, or with your chin held high, knowing you helped our group with a few good words from one of Tyr's blessed ones, the holy knight Master Delano?" I asked him this because it seemed that Thendrik could help us out in a request that came from the merchants.

Apparently the merchants, two well dressed men, one a Chondathan man and a curious gnome. (sorry for the redundancy) Indeed they were what appeared to be merchants with no stock. They weaved a tale that on a nearby barrow, they stored their goods for safety. Unfortunately the barrow they used as a way point still was inhabited, and not by anything living.

Delano used the gifts of his god to determine that the merchants were not dark of heart, and with that information and some reluctance on suspicion of trickery we decided to make it to the nearby barrow to help the merchants. One way or another I think Delano wanted to rid the area of any creatures of death, and could not in good conscious ignore the request to help the merchants. Though I was highly suspicious of the two seemingly inseparable merchants. In the pit of my stomach I knew they knew something I didn't know, something I'd want to know too. I put aside my lust for knowledge and like I have more often recently thought I'd search after the story, not the authors. So we left the next morning, Thendrik begrudgingly in tow.

We entered the barrow which had ancient writing over the archway, quite beautiful craftsmanship I might add. In a few seconds the merchants were digging away at the wall to retrieve their goods. Suddenly arrows from a carved face embossed in a wall flew at us.

Many things happened during that fight, which I will touch upon shortly, but for me something remarkable happened. In the instant that battle started, and I knew danger was upon us, rather than drawing my trusty rapier I spoke some powerful words, some of the most convincing and clutching moments from a classic epic tale from the 3rd century, lines about the last stand of Ironstar upon the great Stone Bridge. My words, though invisible, I could see, as a performer who watches the faces of an expectant audience, were strengthening my comrades. As they stood next to one another the words themselves seemed to stand in defiance to the deadly arrows pointed against us. I am not sure if they noticed, but I did, I felt my very words and my meditation upon the stories I have studied for some time leave me and rest upon the shoulders of my allies, the essence of the stories still whispering inspiration to them.

I was a bit thrown off by this but after this eternity that I just described, the heat of battle roused me. The gnome was no where to be seen and the Chondathan fellow was still scrounging for his things. Delano trusty as ever ran towards the thick of the missiles. I found myself peering round the corner of a dark corridor, when once again Delano's presence was felt again. He stopped for a moment to look at me. He was trying to remind me to look after Thendrik and the other merchant. I glanced back and I saw that the only trustworthy ally next to them was Schelen's friendly companion, the badger. I rushed back, and tried to help the merchant get his stock out.

The fiend then stabbed me when I wasn't looking, and he incurred the thirst of my rapier. I stepped to his side to as not to get the badger to involved, though his incessant gnawing and clawing at the back of his heels certainly did disrupt him. Thendrik was aghast as what was going on, and I in a sudden commanding role told him to earn his right to gain a good word to the temple of Tyr by attacking the backstabbing merchant. Thendrik of course had little else but a stick, which he threw at the merchant just enough to allow me to give him a few "pokes" with my blade, and he was back on the ground, where worms like him belong. The ground is also where angry badgers like to add a few angry scratches in retort to attack against their friends. I like that badger.

Seems like while I was looking after Thendrik and trying to tend to my wounds, Schelen and Mantethil had dispatched of the gnome, who apparently had cloaked himself. It was no match though for the full prowess of our inspired spell casters to rain fire upon his wretched brow. All I heard was the gnome wail in agony, and some seconds later I could hear Delano fighting with something. I would love to describe it, however he was enveloped in fog and I could not see much more than the warm glow of Delano's light imbued torch. The apparition fled or was destroyed, I can't say I'd like to stay long enough to find out. So we left, after taking all the belongings that the "merchants" had bamboozled haggard travelers out of.

We are on our way back from the barrow on horseback, while I write this, Wealthow is a nice horse and knows I like a steady ride to read and write from. I'll make sure to get her a carrot tomorrow.

A quick and interesting note about what we recovered from the criminals. They had some nice magical baubles it would seem at first glance which Mantethil is trying to discern, and a chest of jewelry that upon first estimate is worth roughly 1000 coin. I guess if the temple of Tyr doesn't want a donation, thats alright by me.

Unferth Herebeald, study of the story and weaver of tales great and small

Explanation - This is an "in character" account of things happening in my D&D campaign run my friend Luke. Justin is Delano, Seth is Schelen, Scot is Mantithel, Jim who was absent last session is Ardin, Matt and Rachel were also absent and play Orrud and Camila respectively.

For those who understand the game, this was the first day I got to be a new prestige class designed by Luke Norton, called Study of the Norns. When I fought that merchant guy too, I crit him twice in a roll while the badger flanked.

Phone call... and no one is there


Do I seem pretentious using what looks like a post-modern art design image?

Report for 3/6/08 posted on 3/7/08 -

I was surprised by a burst of energy I had waking up from the day prior. I was able to not play video games deep into the night and so was not nearly as tempted to sleep in all day. From the night prior I knew today should be the day i was going to make my dreaded "calls" to various people in the psychiatric and counseling field. However my experience in the past told me that I'd be annoyed, and overwhelmed with the amount of people to call.

Indeed today it was no different. Navigating the sea of potential doctors, nurses and licensed medical professionals, dodging the riptide of whether they are covered by insurance, crashing over the breakers of their schedule versus mine, charting a course with the earliest they could see me, and braving the elements from who is best able to help me, is just as difficult as it is to imagine manning a sailboat alone through dangerous waters. Truly to do this on your own seems to need a team of dedicated, payed helpers. Yet somehow insurance companies hope to have you do it yourself, or just rough out what ever emotional, mental, or physical problems that are retching your heart even before you pick up a phone. The way people talk to you at certain offices too, like a number, a statistic, a customer they don't need, makes the whole process tarnished, lame, and more depressing that someone who is in need of help should have to go through to get said help. Co-pays, location, clinical focus, networking, and all the other rigmarole I went through seems to have gone by in a flash. Somewhere on a calendar I made, I have some appointments, some I don't know where they are, some are tentative, some I have no phone number for anymore, some I don't know if I can still make, and even some were not sure still if I'd be covered.

By the time you have the wherewithal to make these appointments, calls, and networks, you are probably in a good enough place you may not need the help. Though I say that in jest, I think it is a sick way of doing things, and I pray for those should trying to get help who can't because of the decathlon of events you must endure to actually just speak to a living, breathing, caring, individual. May God have mercy on those in charge of these companies, because if I was in a position of power over these psych health manufacturing mills, pill popping palaces, and obscure corners of well being, heads would roll. I mean that literally, figuratively, and as a pun.

Aside from the three-ring circus, I managed to relax on my day off. I organized my schedule some more, did laundry, straightened up my room, and prepared for my weekly session of Dungeons and Dragons in Salem. That will be disclosed in its own separates entry because my weekly session is so in depth, I can not deal with it in the same way I'd deal with my normal entries. So aside from that it seemed to be a productive, day and I even remembered to pick up Justin in Manchester to take him to Salem after his eye surgery. Things are looking up I guess, if I can actually have a productive day off. Maybe I am stepping in the right direction.

Body - 5: Days that I don't have a lot of physical activity, and I stay inside and smoke a lot are never ones I can reasonably say were ones helthy for my body. However given my predisposition to being a sloth at times like these, and yet I actually did things kinda balances it out. I managed to even get out of bed not to mention I ate a bowl of cheerios, which automatically gives me a point.

Emotion - 8: I kept my cool in the face of more red tape than Congress, and even had a heart to heart venting session with Justin on our ride to Salem. Great emotional honesty, and control, however I did not really do all that much and had a tendency to withdraw when frustrated stopped me from a better score.

Mind - 10: Organization, drive, and will power, all of these are my Achilles heel. I managed to show a proficiency with all these skills I am more accustomed to saying are atrophied ideals for myself. I even thought of just going to sleep rather than staying up later to write this blog.

Overall - 7.6


Well with that many metaphors with sailing and phone calls, you all deserve this... this ship is p0wned, found it in the NY Times

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Egg Salad, Metal Polish, and Emotional Restraint


Mine did not look this good, it just tasted better.

Report-

Last night I behaved myself, I got to sleep on time, and even woke up before my alarm clock. I think my body is so used to being late, or deprived of sleep it woke me up, full of adrenaline, ready for the dreaded call from a manager. Instead I went back to sleep and woke up, GASP, rested.

I worked in Hudson, the store was slow. I found myself doing menial tasks, not really having much to do with being a cashier. There was this metallic cooler door, that I became very adversarial with. I used four different types of cleaners on it, and still some old grime would not come off. I was actually sweating I was scrubbing so hard. However it was a moral victory in that I tried my hardest and did see some results.

That was an overarching theme today. I had a list of things to do at work, and I did them, quicker than my manager had imagined and better too. I made my infamous phone calls to my insurance provider, got some resources and even glossed over them when I came home. I paid my student loan, and even began organizing my schedule on a calendar. I just found myself doing all sorts of things I would have otherwise ignored. I even made myself an egg salad sandwich at work, with nothing but a 99 cent pack of two hard boiled eggs and things I could find around work. I don't know about most people, but for me to actually prepare food, and eat it is sort of a big step for me. I also saved money, which is a cool bonus on top of having a healthy lunch.

An issue came up last night, of which particulars are lovingly removed for privacy purposes. However I very ardently asked people for advice I worked with, and came to a conclusion, that though I am involved in said conflict, I should not interfere. For me this takes a great amount of emotional and ethical restraint. However I think it is better for my community's health and tranquility. I am happy with my doctrine of non-interference, and hope to remain a peaceful and loving person.

After a slow commute home, a little down time I scheduled with, and a fine home-cooked meal by my brother Eben, I went to the ballet studio and received my private "ballet" lesson. I say ballet in parenthesis because it isn't about ballet as much as it is about Julia torturing my body, stretching muscles I didn't know I had, and reminding myself that dance is a hard yet rewarding art. I practiced some leaps, and jumps, which after I was panting for breath. I am thankful that dance also reminds me of why I should give up cigarettes. Julia is a kind soul who has struggles not too unlike my own and my fellowship with her is rewarding.

Now I am just typing away and looking forward to a day off from work. I have a lot of plans for my free time, and I hope I am half as constructive tomorrow as I was today.

Body - 8: Did very well with putting up with a hard day's work, ballet, and staving off fatigue long enough to get done those things I had planned to do. I also ate some food I made for myself today, I had a smoothie too, and even that homemade meal. Though the food itself was not the pinnacle of healthy eating it was a step up from what I am normally feeding myself. I think I took off points for wheezing when I was tired from hard ballet steps, and just being disappointed with not stretching as regularly as I should to make Julia's torture sessions easier on myself.

Emotion - 9: I did well last night in being direct and honest with my ex-girlfriend. I also showed a lot of restraint in not acting as my disappointment led me to, in the vague aforementioned conflict. Although I was very emotionally angry and honest about that, I also missed a point because better management of my feelings need to be in place, so that I can not obsess over being upset, and resolve issue quicker for myself.

Mind - 9: Great day today, full of being organized, getting things done, and being focused with a strong work ethic. I would say the only thing worth missing a perfect score was a little instability I felt late in the day, though it seems to be manageable, I am glad I have already made those phone calls and plan to make more tomorrow.

Overall - 8.6


After all the tip-toeing around a secretive issue I thought a little passive aggressive message was warranted. Yes... fucking cock blocker

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Day #2 - Drink, Dance, Rap, Rythm, and Fun


This looks suspiciously like me

Report

Last night I stayed up a little later than I had wanted to, I played World of Warcraft deep into the night, but I feel some solace in that I really had nothing to do today except make some calls, go to a party with co-workers, and attend a ballet class.

I slept a full 8 hours unfortunately that had me waking up at around noon time. Though me sleeping in did not allow me all the time I needed to make some daytime phone calls, I instead spent the time hanging with my sister and my two month old niece. I won't make excuses and say I could have gotten everything done today that I wanted to, but I still made the day enjoyable, after an overwhelmingly sad day prior.

After some quality time with my family, I then dropped by my assistant manager's apartment. He had planned a get together with myself and two other co-workers, Dave and Dwayne. The motley crew of us four enjoyed a game of Beirut. Unfortunately myself and Dave were teamed up, against the veterans, Nate and Dwayne. We lost, badly. I accounted for about a third of a full handle of apple schnapps because of how poorly I did. Taking it in stride and being careful I didn't drink much more, though Dave did have a few trips to the toilet, which for the rest of the party was mostly amusing.

The most remarkable part of the day was when, after imbibing some liquor, Nate, Dwayne and myself free-style rapped. Nate had an i-pod with some instrumentals tracks, and with that came the birth of the new hip-hop group, "Q11," named after our code for our store location. Nate and Dwayne tore it up with impressive lyrics, I never expected Dwayne, who stands about 5'3" and looks a touch "emo" could freestyle like a seasoned pro. Comic hilarity ensued with Dwayne's "Randy Macho Man Savage" impression, Nate's impression of Dave playing world of warcraft, and me trying to rhyme to a super Mario brother's track.

Here is a little sample of something I remember saying

"Clear out, heads up
I am the 8-bit masta
See me when I'm Link
Full hearts charged, n' I'll blast-ya

When I play Mario,
I'm jumping high, breaking blocks
Bust in and save the princess
Take her home n knock of her socks

Get all revved up,
Ride her like Excitebike
Bowser busts in, says
Naw man she's a dyke

Up-down-up-down
Left-right-left-right
Got the Konami code
Now for Contra I'm tight"

Though some on-lookers may wonder why I may actually be happy about such debauchery in my life when I am really trying to clean it up, it is about connecting with people, being myself, and having fun, that made it such a positive experience. So though it may have been a waste of time, it was healthy, active, and social. When I left Nate also invited me back, so the Q11 crew could roll out again. I wonder if he'll still feel that way when he finds the vase that Dwayne broke.

I scooted off to Ballet. Though I stopped drinking sometime before leaving, the residual "spiny" effect made me dance pretty poorly. I was quiet in class so no one would get pissed that I was drinking before class. I think a few class-mates noticed, I blushed I think... though I might have been flushed still too. Then I basically came home and came to the computer. Not before kissing my niece and eating my Wendy's value meal.

Body - 5 : I treated her pretty badly today, the 12+ shots of schnapps, and a few of captain Morgan, made me run at below my normal capacity. The Wendy's value meal probably wasn't a good choice either. the only reason I gave myself a 5 was because I could have done a lot worse and still was smart enough to make sure I could drive safely. Plus I didn't have to puke.

Emotion - 9 : I was happy today, I had a fun time, relaxed, grew better relationships with people. I even smiled. Another bonus was that I hung out with males which is a big step for me, because I usually exclude men from my social life. This was refreshing and nice. I did not feel any instability, beyond becoming uncoordinated from alcohol. I held back a perfect score because I drunk dialed my ex girlfriend and I think the residual alcohol had me hitting on some of the ballet students a little bit more than was appropriate.

Mind - 9 : Excellent job today mentally. I had enough wherewithal to moderate drinking enough to have fun, but not harm myself, I came up with sick rhymes, and also gave myself a number of sobriety tests. I also did well remembering my routines in ballet class which really caught me off guard, I normally struggle with remembering even simple sequences. My mind proved resilient and strong in the face of barbiturates, and ballet. I took off one point for not making my phone calls today, though there was some excuses, my minds lack in judgment last night hurt its score today.

Overall - 7.6


Props to my home boy Mario keeping it real in the Mushroom Kingdom
~ Q11 ride or die

Monday, March 3, 2008

Day #1 - Melon Collie and Meteoric Celibacy


Report

The third of March seems was coming upon we like a lion, or how ever that saying works. I was late for work, about a half an hour or so and was awoken by a call from my manager, which I may suggest is never a good way to be pulled from the grips of sleep.

The real defining feature of this day was not any one thing I did but the overall mood. As the title for the entry might indicate the only way to describe my feeling would be "melon collie."

For those less vocabulary savvy here is the definition from a web based medical dictionary.

mel·an·cho·li·a (mln-kl-)
n.
A mental disorder characterized by depression, apathy, and withdrawal.

The reason I use such a sharp word, perhaps not just for the novelty of using antiquated pseudo-Victorian phrases, is because it is actually a altogether real feeling. I say this because it was not just a mood, an attitude, rather it affected me wholly. I felt it in my mind, body and soul, a holistic state if you will. I was slow to move, talk, raise my face, and felt almost hovering in a clouded mind all day.

Really I do have a few nice souls at work to thank for trying to cheer me up. My assistant manager Nate, who always makes me laugh at his hilarious perverted jokes, and fellowship over hating certain customers. An old employee named Jen, and Jen my manager both were in and out of the office today, Jen the old employee seemed like a guardian angel set to improve my mood and Jen my manager as well, she was having a rough day.

Not only did I feel poorly, I felt for the customers I was serving. Off in space, barely paying attention, and my normally happy as can be attitude was sucked right out of me. Quite surprised was I when I closed my shift only 11 cents short, a hard task to accomplish even when having a "on" day. The brink of implosion seemed closer than comfort should allow, and yet I still found the courage to do something I consider good, and a mile stone in my goals.

I refused what many would consider solicitation for no stings attached sex, from an onlooker to my misery. Though the gesture I suppose was nice, that person has such a loose grasp on what sex means, besides its chemical effects, I think I was as saddened for her as I was elated for my refusal. For me to refuse sexual activity, it is like I drew a line in the sand and finally made a stand.

Hope, now matter how cold, distant, and faint, is the human condition. Today I felt a little more warmth and a closer proximity to the hope. Just to know I am heading in my desired direction, is like some one who has not walked for years, finally standing up. For now though my forward motion will be in baby steps, awkward and unsure. Its just wonderful to have found the ground at my feet rather than at my side.

Results

(this is a section where I will try to mathematically break down break down progress, because it seems more scientific and gives me a to track trends. Scores will be from 1-10 1 being lowest and 10 highest)

Physical health, aches, pains, sickness, and diet is included in this score

Body - 7 : Aside from a general ache of depression, my body was fine today, I also took away another point for what i ate today though I was more judicious because generally given the emotional score the body gravitates towards unhealthy food and for my part as well cigarettes.

Emotional honesty, overall degree of happiness, emotional health activities are taken into consideration, as well as ability to feel and express emotions.

Emotion - 5 : With a bad start, and overall irritability the score is much lower than what it could have been. However a late rally in person milestones, a prevention of implosion, and being very honest with others about how I felt it balanced to a 5.

The mind is an engine, and this score tracks its efficiency, health, stability and also its overall performance.

Mentality - 7 : Making good decisions, closing my register only 11 cents under and having the motivation to actually continue this blog realizes a good score. Were it not for an overall spaciness, lack in judgment for entertaining any unhealthy sexual ideas, and also a few small out bursts this would have been a much better score.

Overall - 6.3



OK I could not say the phrase Melon Collie, without adding this classic 90's album image.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Renewal


Human beings have a nasty habit of waiting until scientific observation until making appropriate adjustments to their lives. Even then the change is hard, and tasking, as scientific observations, usually offer objective views on those things constantly tainted by human bias.

One can look to the global warming epidemic. Sciences (the less biased and politically paid for ones) have observed that human industry, population, and waste is changing the climate in an adverse way. Yet still we see constant reluctance to change a lifestyle that will ultimately lead to the end of life altogether.

However this blog is not about global warming, any scientific notion or humanity. It is about only the smallest sliver of the latter, myself. Observations have been made, unbiased and true. They indite me, accuse me, and are brutally honest. So with those observations, I am rededicating (though there was no formal dedication) this blog. Liffruma is an Old English word for "lord of life" or "source of life." So it is with observation, and emotional pain I dedicate this blog to my renewal, my turn, and my source of life.

To say I didn't know I was failing in life would be a lie. I knew, and I still know. Un-used potential like a Soviet missile silo, my life has sat stagnant, still with a blend of apathy, self-pity, and denial usually reserved for death row inmates. Rather than list those things that hold me back, and eat away at my ego, I'd rather list my solutions. For those curious about said list, only context is needed to uncover the myth surrounding my inadequacies.

Before I list my solutions, I should also reveal my bet, what I have to lose or gain.
~ A woman who loves me more dearly than a bloom does spring.
~ Writing, verbal, and communications, as prestigious as Cicero.
~ A family more dedicated than a team of sled dogs.
~ A faith, fragile and beautiful as any great Louvre masterpiece.
~ A life, the one and only, not duplicated, often imitated, but never replicated

I hereby dedicate myself to the pillars of these solutions, as they are attainable, and necessary to keep those things that are precious, and irreplaceable to me.

The Core Pillar ~ The ultimate solution

Educate, and take action to love myself myself on ways and means to love myself as I have loved others, in order to take pride (not arrogance) in my self, my accomplishments, those things I have yet to do, and reconciliation for actions past.

Supporting Tenants ~ The necessary steps

1. Begin my neglected battery of psychological treatment

a. Attend counseling or therapy
b. Get onto psychoactive drug therapies to treat my bipolar disorder
c. Journal daily, this includes setting goals, and holding my self accountable for said goals
d. Have and maintain outside accountability to stick to my treatment plan

2. Appreciate my spirituality

a. Daily reflections, walks, quiet time, meditation or prayer
b. Use faith to boldly step into understandings of love unrealized
c. Use faith to boldly heal and reconcile scars, and pains to better appreciate myself
d. Be deliberate, and act according to the dogmas I revere

3. Value sexuality

a. No no-strings-attached relationships can be allowed to hinder my self worth
b. Disown pornography for the abuse of human dignity, and life it thrives off of
c. Respect sexual attraction, and value it as sacred
d. View my own body as a place of worship and value

4. Life goals

a. Make wages that I am happy earning and happy having
b. Apply and get a job I am satisfied with having
c. Budget properly, and save in order to move out and gain independence
d. Value time by making it to edify my life
e. Write to make myself happy (being done right now)

Miscellany ~ Aspirations, and hope, not required, but they do give bonus points :-)

~ Quit cigarettes
~ Have an apartment
~ Play video games socially
~ Value old neglected friendships
~ Clean up my room
~ Clean up my car
~ Shower (when needed not when convenient)
~ Learn to cook more than pasta, tacos and grilled cheese
~ Worship

Conclusion

It is with no certain coincidence I think that I make the dedication to these goals, during the Lenten season. It is a time of mourning and death, so as to make new life. So remembering that it is darkest before dawn, and only from the bottom can you step up, I inaugurate this new season in my life to do what I have always dreamed of, becoming the man I have always wanted to be.



And yes deep inside I want to be a fat man out west who is clearly too big to be riding a horse, and with a cowboy hat that accentuates just how bowling ball shaped I am.