Report- My first day back at the grindstone was pretty rough. I woke up late for work which I somehow expected. Life seemed to slow down and seem much more ugly than it did a day ago. Finding motivation was pretty hard, this all after a perfect day. I feel like I am having mountain top syndrome, like when you come down from such a great day everything seems bad.
I had work which I arrived late too, which was a bummer. At work I had none of the super positive attitude I did when I worked on Sunday. I had to keep being prodded by my manager to do anything. It seemed to drag on for quite sometime. I was happy to see everyone again though.
After work I got together with my old friend Mandy, I promised myself though to make it a good interaction though as some of our meetings last summer were negative. We just had a nice small dinner, and chatted about our various trips and life in general. It was refreshing to be with her again. She had been in Africa for the last half of a year and she had great stories. I was disappointed at myself for hanging out with her either way because I knew it could be risky given our history. However she seemed to be in much better shape than I and it stayed a positive thing, and in retrospect was the only good part of the day.
When I came home I just seemed to want to veg out all night. I did succeed in that task, though I still have plenty of things left to do. I played some smash, and then sat at my computer pretending to write, while I just poked around for various things. I did find one interesting subject though, an enclave of semi-pro smash brother players in Manchester. I spent some time trying to network and learn some things from them. That was nice, but I just felt very down, and bummed about my life. Like nothing had changed at all.
This again plays into my ideas about demonic attacks, though a friend of mine Lindsey who was curious as to what I was going through. She seemed to think it was just me coming down from having a great trip. I am also tempted to think this, but my mind cant shake the fear of being wrong. I think that is actually what I hate the most about my life, being wrong in what I believe. Sam and I discussed this on the car ride home. I find myself very discerning and slow to move, when I do its with all my heart, but I suppose that is why I am so reluctant. I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want to take risks. So I like in mediocrity.
No wonder I don't write as much as I'd like, and when I do its in a venue relatively guarded like this blog. Taking risks, it is in many ways what life is all about. I just seem to think so poorly of myself, and all the mistakes I have made in a guarded life, I can not bear to think about life with risks taken. I look around and all the proof is around me. I went to a local college, I have a nice generic degree in English, I have only lived with people I have known, and though my writing is risky, I know that I am really a nobody so my "failure" is of no consequence, even romantically I don't like to take risks.
I think it is time to change this. I am not sure how to do that, but it is something I'll have to keep on my mind and my heart.
Body- 7: I don't think I really did anything great or negative with my body. I ate alright and had a normal amount of cigarettes.
Emotion- 3: Eek! What a wreck today I was, I felt terrible in addition to just not thinking positive or thinking well of myself. I also found my heart wandering, which is something I don't want to think is good for me.
Mind- 3: Again totally unfocused, save a few moments, I seemed to be a zombie. When I had chances to do constructive things I had no discipline. I didn't even write a blog for the day as the date tells I had to do it the next afternoon.
Overall- 4.3: Just gotta get out of the tailspin, and keep on trucking.
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