Report
The third of March seems was coming upon we like a lion, or how ever that saying works. I was late for work, about a half an hour or so and was awoken by a call from my manager, which I may suggest is never a good way to be pulled from the grips of sleep.
The real defining feature of this day was not any one thing I did but the overall mood. As the title for the entry might indicate the only way to describe my feeling would be "melon collie."
For those less vocabulary savvy here is the definition from a web based medical dictionary.
mel·an·cho·li·a (mln-kl-)
n.
A mental disorder characterized by depression, apathy, and withdrawal.
The reason I use such a sharp word, perhaps not just for the novelty of using antiquated pseudo-Victorian phrases, is because it is actually a altogether real feeling. I say this because it was not just a mood, an attitude, rather it affected me wholly. I felt it in my mind, body and soul, a holistic state if you will. I was slow to move, talk, raise my face, and felt almost hovering in a clouded mind all day.
Really I do have a few nice souls at work to thank for trying to cheer me up. My assistant manager Nate, who always makes me laugh at his hilarious perverted jokes, and fellowship over hating certain customers. An old employee named Jen, and Jen my manager both were in and out of the office today, Jen the old employee seemed like a guardian angel set to improve my mood and Jen my manager as well, she was having a rough day.
Not only did I feel poorly, I felt for the customers I was serving. Off in space, barely paying attention, and my normally happy as can be attitude was sucked right out of me. Quite surprised was I when I closed my shift only 11 cents short, a hard task to accomplish even when having a "on" day. The brink of implosion seemed closer than comfort should allow, and yet I still found the courage to do something I consider good, and a mile stone in my goals.
I refused what many would consider solicitation for no stings attached sex, from an onlooker to my misery. Though the gesture I suppose was nice, that person has such a loose grasp on what sex means, besides its chemical effects, I think I was as saddened for her as I was elated for my refusal. For me to refuse sexual activity, it is like I drew a line in the sand and finally made a stand.
Hope, now matter how cold, distant, and faint, is the human condition. Today I felt a little more warmth and a closer proximity to the hope. Just to know I am heading in my desired direction, is like some one who has not walked for years, finally standing up. For now though my forward motion will be in baby steps, awkward and unsure. Its just wonderful to have found the ground at my feet rather than at my side.
Results
(this is a section where I will try to mathematically break down break down progress, because it seems more scientific and gives me a to track trends. Scores will be from 1-10 1 being lowest and 10 highest)
Physical health, aches, pains, sickness, and diet is included in this score
Body - 7 : Aside from a general ache of depression, my body was fine today, I also took away another point for what i ate today though I was more judicious because generally given the emotional score the body gravitates towards unhealthy food and for my part as well cigarettes.
Emotional honesty, overall degree of happiness, emotional health activities are taken into consideration, as well as ability to feel and express emotions.
Emotion - 5 : With a bad start, and overall irritability the score is much lower than what it could have been. However a late rally in person milestones, a prevention of implosion, and being very honest with others about how I felt it balanced to a 5.
The mind is an engine, and this score tracks its efficiency, health, stability and also its overall performance.
Mentality - 7 : Making good decisions, closing my register only 11 cents under and having the motivation to actually continue this blog realizes a good score. Were it not for an overall spaciness, lack in judgment for entertaining any unhealthy sexual ideas, and also a few small out bursts this would have been a much better score.
Overall - 6.3
OK I could not say the phrase Melon Collie, without adding this classic 90's album image.
No comments:
Post a Comment